Staying Curious in Relationships

Do you remember the first time you started dating or had a crush? Can you think back to the excitement you felt while getting to know this interesting, new person? How curious were you about this person?

We usually are curious when we’re getting to know someone we are romantically interested in. You might ask the person, “So what do you like to do?” or “what are your interests”? Questions such as these, allow us to gather data about who we are interested in. If things go well, you may start to have fewer questions and more assumptions based on your increased knowledge of your partner.

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, an assumption, by definition, is: “to accept something to be true without question or proof.” After reading that, you might think of assumptions negatively, but assumptions aren’t always harmful. For example, you might make an assumption about the type of food that your partner likes, based on foods they have eaten in the past. However, assumptions can become dangerous when we interpret our partner’s actions or behaviors without proof or confirmation. 

 Making assumptions in your relationship may look like this: 

• Misinterpreting a statement, facial expression, or body language: Sometimes, your partner may say something that you may not have understood or may sit in a way that seems closed off or disinterested. However, what you perceive, might not always be what is true. 
• Believing your partner should know how you feel: Your partner might think to themselves, “I shouldn’t have to explain myself. She should know how that made me feel.” This is the worst assumption one can ever make. No matter how long you have known a person, you will never be able to fully understand the inner workings of their mind and their emotions. 
• Thinking you know all your partner’s wants and needs: Just because your partner had a long day at work does not necessarily mean that they want alone time. Sometimes we make assumptions about our partner’s wants and needs based on we would want or need. 

How can curiosity help my relationship? Why do I have to be curious?

Curiosity is a better replacement for making assumptions because curiosity builds intimacy. The Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology conducted a study that found that curiosity was associated with greater attraction and caused individuals to feel closer to a person, even after one conversation. Take note ladies and gentlemen, curiosity means peaked interest, which can lead to increased attraction.

Philosopher and psychologist William James said it best when he said: curiosity is “the impulse to better cognition.” In other words, being curious speaks to a desire or impulse to get to know someone better. But to be curious, you must first accept that you do not know it all. Remember the premise of an assumption is to accept something without proof or evidence. The key to breaking the habit of assumptions in your relationship is to start seeking evidence or proof in an open, non-judgmental way. If you are unclear about your partner’s statements, actions, or behaviors, curiously seek clarity. 

Asking curious questions in your relationship can look like this:

• I’m not sure what you meant by that. Can you help me understand?
• You seemed tense after you came home from work, but I might be wrong. How are you feeling? 
• I notice that your arms have been crossed during this conversation. How do you feel about what I’ve been saying?
• How can I be helpful in this moment?
• What are your thoughts about _______?
• I am feeling ______ right now. How are you feeling?

Being curious may not be easy, especially if it’s not something you naturally feel. But if you want to get unstuck in your relationship, give gentle curiosity a try. Gentle curiosity may even reduce arguments, and rebuild intimacy. Being curious will take practice and may feel fake at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become.