Attachment Styles: Trusting God to Help Us Be Secure

Insecurity is a difficult thing to experience. The very essence of it involves some level of instability in one’s self. Yet many individuals find it difficult to admit that they are insecure. Let me ask you a question. When was the last time that you opened up with a complete stranger about how insecure you felt? That seems like a ridiculous question, right? But how easy is it for us to look at a stranger and compare our self-esteem and confidence to theirs? The truth is, no one likes to admit that they’re struggling with their self-esteem and confidence. However, struggling with insecurity is a common experience. Learning about our attachment styles while trusting God to help us become secure is more than possible.

Psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth developed attachment theory. Much of attachment theory looks at how children developed the ability to safely attach to a caregiver, and how this process translates into adult relationships. Bowlby and Ainsworth’s research found that when children had consistent care and attention during their early years of life, they had a healthy view of themselves and others.

However, if we understand the world correctly, we know that many adults struggle to provide children with consistent care and attention. The reasons for this can vary from family to family. Some individuals may be intentionally neglectful towards their children, and others may be absent emotionally or physically due to socioeconomic factors (like finances, job security, race, etc). These variations in attention and consistency lead Bowlby to develop four main attachment styles.

Secure Attachment

These individuals:

• may high self-esteem
• exhibit self-confidence
• enjoy connecting with others
• feel safe to seek out support
• able to share their feelings with others

Anxious Ambivalent Attachment

These individuals:

• tend to be very suspicious/distrustful of strangers
• feel distressed when their caregiver or partner leaves
• may appear clingy easily in relationships
• may become distraught when relationships end

Avoidant Attachment

These individuals:

• may have problems with emotional intimacy
• likely avoided parents as children
• may have difficulty sharing their feelings
• may have little awareness of their own emotions

Disorganized Attachment

These individuals:

• may experience a mixture of avoidance and resistance
• may have a disorganized way of attaching to others.

These four attachment styles categorize the degree of safety a child feels when attaching to their caregiver. If not addressed, insecure attachment styles can have profound effects in adulthood. But as a Christian therapist, I can’t help but ask this question. How can we heal from our attachment disorders when the world and people lack consistency and safety? It is impossible to expect human beings always to meet your needs at every moment.

God Can Heal Our Attachment Styles

According to research, the only way to become secure is to work on your dysregulated behaviors and hope to do the opposite of what comes naturally to you. Doing this may seem daunting if you’ve been operating in your attachment style for your entire life. However, Philippians 2:13 NKJV says, “for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.” The good news is that you don’t have to become secure on your own. The Lord will help you!

The Bible shows us that God’s character is consistent and never changes (Malachi 3:6 NKJV). That is something we can put our hope and our trust in. We can submit these fears to God when we become aware of our attachment styles and relationship beliefs. We can trust that he will heal the areas of brokenness in our past. When we find ourselves shutting down, we can ask him for the strength to do the opposite and find courage.

We can only become secure when we attach our worth and belonging to a secure God. He is our ultimate caregiver, and we can trust him with all of our fears. If you struggle with your attachment, I encourage you to seek out a mental health professional. Another suggestion is to seek out a trustworthy, wise family member/friend.

Disclaimer: I am a psychotherapist. However, this blog is not meant to be a substitute for therapy or counseling. This should not be construed as specific advice. Please contact a therapist in your area to address your specific problems.