Attachment is a popularized term from the world of psychology that explains how an individual connects to another individual. Many therapists and psychologists in our society today practice attachment-based therapies, which seek to help individuals make connections between how they connected to their caregiver as a child and how this experience replicates itself in their adult relationships. According to John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, there are four types of attachment styles: Secure, Insecure Anxious, Insecure Avoidance, and Insecure Disorganized. Each type stems from your interactions with your childhood caregiver and how they met your needs.

Today, we delve into the intriguing world of insecure-anxious attachment, exploring the fascinating strategies that can lead to healing and a transition towards a more secure attachment style.

What is Insecure Anxious attachment?

Insecure-anxious attachment, also called anxious ambivalent, refers to individuals who experienced parents, caregivers, or childhood friendships that were inconsistent in meeting their child’s needs. At a baseline, all children desire to be safe, loved, wanted, and valued. Because children cannot meet their needs independently, the caregiver must provide the safety and love that the child needs. Insecure-anxious attachment can form when parents support their child’s needs one day and are unaware of their needs later on. It’s important to note that this can also occur in childhood friendships or family relationships that the individual places value on. This push-and-pull dynamic between support and unawareness can cause a child to have difficulty interpreting the parent’s behavior. It may also cause them to become confused about their needs being met in the future.

Symptoms of an Insecure Anxious Attachment

Children and adults with insecure attachment may suffer from:

• Low self-esteem
• Jealousy & insecurity
• Poor self-respect
• Desperation and clinginess
• Mood swings, Anxiety disorder, and Depression

The core belief of an insecurely anxious individual is that when their partner or caregiver is happy, then they are happy. However, their core fear is rejection and abandonment due to the inconsistency experienced in childhood.

Strategies for Healing an Anxious Attachment

Fortunately, our attachment styles are not set in stone. With increased self-awareness and understanding of our patterns, we can transform an insecure-anxious style into a secure one. This journey of healing and growth is possible for everyone. Here are four strategies that can guide you on this path:

Acknowledge and accept your past:

Often, insecure individuals spend so much time trying to get their needs met by others that they haven’t slowed down to recognize how their personalities and patterns developed. It can be very helpful to connect with healthy family members to discuss your childhood and how it impacted you, or you can meet with a mental health professional to process early childhood experiences.

Start mapping out your relational patterns:

To change a pattern, you must become aware of and familiar with it. Many individuals with insecure-anxious attachments get stuck in poor relationships, where they experience the same inconsistent patterns from their childhood. Take some time to map out your previous friendships or romantic relationships. Write down the traits that drew you to the individual. What caused the relationship to become dysfunctional? What role do you carry in your relationships? Have you been able to regulate your emotions when reasonable inconsistencies occur? Can you healthily communicate your needs, or do you engage in people-pleasing, rage, or manipulative behavior to get what you desire?

Once you become aware of your patterns, practice self soothing & healthy communication skills:

At various points, people will disappoint you, however this may not mean that they don’t care. Self-soothing is a very important skill to practice because it requires you to self-reflect and ground yourself in truth versus your emotions. Remember that chronic emotional dysregulation may cause you to create stories to justify your feelings. Communication after self-soothing can be helpful to allow your partner to understand the behaviors that may trigger you and what they can do to provide you with relief.

Practice asking for what you want and need while setting boundaries for what you don’t want or need:

As you heal and learn more about yourself, you will become more aware of what you want and need. It’s okay to be bold and ask about your needs. We were created to experience healthy connections with others. But be sure to set boundaries with yourself and others when they communicate their limits or inability to meet your wants/needs.

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Disclaimer: Although I am an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, this information is for educational purposes, and should not replace speaking with a licensed mental health professional.