Last Sunday, I took a day trip to Pasadena, CA on a whim. Sometimes, specifically on a Sunday morning, I like to wake up and have an adventure. I like to go somewhere I’ve never been before, or visit a place that interests me. If you know me, you know that I crave new experiences. It can be refreshing at times to be in a space where no one know’s me, and not have to check in with anyone’s plans. In my journey of singleness, I’ve made it a point to cultivate alone time. For some, this might seem strange since singleness already comes with alone time. Plus there is an intensified desire for connection and companionship. However, I don’t think some single individuals spend enough time asking the question, “Do I enjoy my own company?”.

I wasn’t always someone who loved alone time. I’m an ambivert by nature (54% extraverted & 46% introverted), so I have moments where I want to be around people. It brings me joy to create memories with people I love. However, I have moments where I just want to be still to hear my thoughts. In these moments I ask myself these two questions: (1) Should joy be predicated on the next moment you have to socialize? (2) Or can joy be cultivated whether alone or in community?.

The more I asked myself this question, the more I realized how much I needed a balance of both. For this very reason, I take myself out on solo dates. Not for the cheesy reasons that society deems, like “treat yo’ self” or “performative self love”. But I take myself out to develop a practice of cultivating joy in solitude or in the company of others. Every time I’ve gone out on a solo date, I’ve learned something new about myself, and how society views my singleness.

For example: when I went out to Pasadena for a solo trip, I picked up on three things. 

1. In order for us to experience joy in life, we must be willing to loosen our grip on our rigid plans. Sometimes the grief we feel in singleness is related to the tight grip we’ve place on how life should’ve gone versus reality. Instead of creating an itinerary of what I was doing, I allowed myself to intuitively figure out what I wanted to do with my day.
2. Sometimes the advice given about singleness may be a projection of how others feel about being alone. During that morning in Pasadena, I visited a restaurant for brunch. Once I was seated,  it took 2-3 servers to recognize that I was dining alone and that I wasn’t waiting for someone at my table (LOL). The look of confusion on their faces told me that dining alone was not a normal for them.
3. We need moments of stillness to help us process our emotions and help us validate how we feel. We miss the opportunity to connect with ourselves when we’re constantly surrounded by others. There must be balance. My emotions and thoughts felt a lot clearer while I sat in the park amongst strangers. 

I’m grateful for these moments where I am able to cultivate joy in solitude. Taking solo dates doesn’t take away from the fact that we are still wired for connection. But it does ease burden of solely relying on social connections to experience joy. I hope that we can all get to a place once day, whether in relationship or not, where we can find joy in every season.